We leave in 9 days. Exactly 6 moons after he died.
I’m sitting with a lot of big feelings.
Excitement, fear, doubt, disbelief, avoidance, surrender, sadness, anxiety, hope, insignificance, grandiose importance…
I recognize that all of these are just bubbles sitting on top of my grief. Grief is the ship. Grief is the reason for it all. Grief is the question and the answer. I am in service to my grief so that it does not destroy me.
And I am grateful.
My fierce rebellion against this overwhelming and prolonged feeling of STUCK has left me with one reasonable option. Although many would call this exactly UNreasonable, they don’t know my journey. They don’t know my daughter or our beautiful and lonely walk together. They don’t see how she needs me to be strong and undaunted where I stand in this world. They don’t have the map to the unique landscape that is LacyeLoo. I have that map. I’m not certain I’m reading it correctly after so long, but I’m trying. I think it reads “Bali”.
And I’m grateful.
I’m grateful that, even though no one can be holding my physical hand right now, I feel supported. It is only by the support of others that this opportunity is available to me, and I am so very grateful. I am grateful to this world and for infinite possibilities and for this one answer that chose me more than I chose it. I am grateful for the healing that is to come. I am grateful for the person I was before my life was swallowed by fear and busy and broken heart. I am grateful for who I am becoming and for the faith I have in her. I am grateful for my health and for my heart that speaks to me of it’s brokenness as my daughter speaks to me of hers. I learn so much from the unabashed truth of these precious ones, and I am SO GRATEFUL for this opportunity I have to unplug and reset my course so that I am able to completely and fully dedicate myself to serve their healing.